Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I begin to hallucinating things.
Before I off to bed, I always feel a presence of a woman in white cloth (like always) tailing me to my room. Sometimes, I think I saw her standing next to my wardrobe.
She has no face—for your information.
I hope I’m just exaggerating.
There were times where I try to hurt myself.
The first one, I scratched my neck and arms with car keys.
The second one—it happened last night. I didn’t recall any single details but my hubby said that, I’m standing next to him, cursing and swearing him—and I’m holding a foldable knife. It’s scary, occay. Because I don’t remember anything.
The only thing I remember is, my body is in agonizing pain.
I don’t know…
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Okay, back to the roots. I am regretting the time I had left behind. Why is that? Because—(my plain-and simple answer) I haven’t achieved much in my life. Neither in my academic nor in my career. I’m stuck in my own comfort-zone and pretty much satisfied with my so-called degree (which I doubt if I’m actually qualified—too many fatal errors in getting it actually… err…) I am so0o0o0o afraid to take off my feet from where I’m standing right now— pathetic, huh?
My friends are pretty much work on their living by now. Some of them are becoming great persons and some of them are still jerks (oopsss…). Most of them are making me proud and still—there are some who can’t stop but getting on my nerves. (????) It’s questionable when I still call them friends instead of bugs (owww… see, I begin to use x-rated words again!) but—in short—they used to be my buddies.
In one moment, I feel like upgrading myself. The thoughts and voices in my head that keeps on motivating me to pursue study, better my life, learn how to cook, learn how to control my temper—at the end, it creates a fusion of confusing needs which unfortunately without failing—leads me to a huge disappointment. Let me just put it this way—I’m a self-mechanism. I work on impulse. No force. No pressure.
So again—rather than busying my self learn new things, I be a potato couched. So relaxing, so comforting (sighs….) then I will pretend that my life is better than anyone else. (Let’s skip the scene where I’m yelling at myself, throwing tantrums and swearing my own flaws—of ignorance, of intolerance)
For the sake of hearts that love me…
Of the malicious soul I used to be…
For the sins and the darkest path I’ve ever walked…
“berdoalah…kerana dengan berdoalah akan kau temui harapan… sesungguhnya, apabila kamu berdoa, kamu dengan langsungnya merapatkan hubungan kamu dengan Tuhan…”
I don’t have someone to call ‘a true friend’.
I don’t have any.
And if I do—
They do have something beneath it—like some sort of mission to accomplish—owwhhh pleaseee… (to be honest, I’m getting sick of it…) up to a point, where I retrieve my belief over this so called ‘true friendship’. I think friendship and me is a ‘sucks’ relationship. I hope I will not get involve in it anymore!~
“a betrayal” would be too harsh words for this species.
I rather call them—a traitor.
Like I always said….
Like I care…
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Let me introduce you to my childhood crush—name Kemek [Suhaimi bin Mohammad]
It such a super duper sweetttt story and it still can make me smile until this very day ;) [his got his nickname from me—occayyy :k e m ek:]
He is such a good lad—a very best friend of mine. We used to play together, laugh together—we shared quite a good deal of secrets—he knew me well [at that time]. He has the most beautiful smile of a boy could have, he loves to laugh and he is so cheerful. I could still remember the moment where we were playing together, chasing each other and the moment we shared our ABC—spending the most memorable evening [during our school time] together. As long as I remember—I started to like him since I was 7 years old and it’s continued until I’m in standard 6.
We have lost contact.
After 8 years of parting—one day I met him.
And he never changes. He stills the very same person—only he becomes such a refine man. Sweet and charming as ever—with his undeniably sweet smile ;)
We talked—and spent time together [thans God….]
I will never forget this moment.
And what touched me so deep is when he said;
“aku masih simpan lagi bantal busuk yang kau bagi kat aku dulu… dah nak sepuluh tahun dah… ;)”
I pray for him always—for his goodness, for everything.
I hope that one day ahead—he will find a good soul to keep him company. To love him and to care for him—to always be with him, be his sweetheart forever. Here and hereafter. ;)
And for you—thank for the memories [tears and laughter] it teaches me a lot. it’s good to have you as my friend—and it’s always good to have the fact that once upon a time—in a far far away land—we both have our lovely sweet remembrance to share. ;)
tapi tapi tapi...
ader 1 wedding gift yg buat saya...(whooaaaa+yeeeeeiiiii+phewwwitttt+drooolllll) iaitu gift from my best bud ::aris... ;):: beserta tunangnyer yg terchentaaa.. cik fasha lovey doveyyy... ;) sy rase ini sgt schweeettt,occay! ;)
clucth bag in green with 'songket' motive... ;))!!~huuuuu
errrrr... my hubby is 'fyzal' occayyy... not faizal... ;b
thanxssss soo0o much--[tak sabar mahu tunggu giliran kamu,darling... ;) ] sy doakan semoga semuanya berjalan lancar yahhh~ ;)
and this clutch bag--i'm definitely will wear it during my cousin's wedding this coming weekend. wahhhh! malaram sakannnn... hiks... ;)
p/s: present-hunt for kak raha+itta ;)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
It’s not that I hate babies. I love them— I love them too much I don’t think I am respectively qualified to take care of one. Pleaseeee---pleaseeeeee! I'm not saying that they give me an endless headache—noppeee! It’s just that—well, put it this way—read my lips—I AM NOT READY TO HAVE ONE. Can you understand me? So please stop asking those questions like; owwhhh—now she’s pregnant—when will be your turn? Are you afraid of loosing your body shape?—the confinement session is damn torturing,occaayyyyy!! Ssss0000 pleaseeeE! If I’m ready enough—I will have my own baby. No doubt. But right now—enough saying that I’m not ready, yet. (is that too hard to understand?)
Well—as far as I’m concerned—Sara, Sue and Farhana is now a pregnant-babe. Yerppppp—I’m so happy for them. Because I think—personally—they are the greatest women on planet earth. They have something that I don’t. They have the courage—which unfortunately, mine is gone looooong time ago.
Babies are wonderful—they are one of the magical creatures and their arrival is awaited by maaaanyyyyy peoples in this whole wide world, and I’m looking forward to put one in my arms, kiss them affectionately, play with their tiny little toes, tickle their bulging stomach—I want to feel all of it, but now—I don’t think I’m ready. (sighs….)
God—give me strength. For I’m having a pregnant-phobia syndrome.
p/s: I’m such a fool—I know.
Monday, November 17, 2008
huuuu...hari yg sgt penattt tauu!u know what, for all this while, sy sgt tak pernah baby-sit kan kanak2.sy sgt tak berpengalaman (and kena belajar sesangat la dari mereka yg berpengalaman)hoho...sgt tak pandai mahu pegang baby...tahu angkat budak and bagi susu shj... ;) huhu...
tapi--hari ini ~satu keajaiban telah berlaku...~
;) yerpppp...sy telah dgn bek hatinya membw una (my niece) berjalan2.whoaaaa... ;)rase sgt kelaka and sgt kekok occay... ;) my hubby kt sy kena biasakan diri...(errrr...) hihi... ;)
walaupon sgt taktau--sy berjaya juga menjaga una si notty ittew selama almost 3 hours..(hoyyehhh...) kikiki... ;) sgt syok occay--coz this sweet lil'gurl sgt talkative/funny= ;)
ms sy and dell sdg main bowling--die tuhh ibarat our cheerleader taw...sgt kelakar... ;))
kami ketawa smpi mahu pecah pewotttt!! ;) then die sibuk mahu makan+mahu sy belikan die sasibear (die takpandai mahu cakap 'teddybear') ;)
then bw die pg mamam (die personally mahu ice blended choc. dgn tempura prawn+crabstick... glupppp....)
sgt chomottttt!! tp sy sgt fun dapat baby-sit die.then after makan sebok plakss mahu 'sasibear' and die pilih 'snowman' yg sgt shomeylll di Living Cabin'. die sgt happyyy... ;)
otw balik rumah--sambil die main2 'sasibear' die--die tertido.sgt sweet muka kanak2 yg sunggoh suci.heeee... ;)
it's a fun experience... ;)
sy rasa sy boleh jaga baby--kowtttt! ;)
p/s:sampai umah shj die tewosss jadik sgt nakal,occay... ;(
How poor they are—knowing the fact that they only can be so mouthful with those insolence words, but up there (in their skull) they actually have nothing to be proud of.
I pity them.
Maybe they can’t stand continuing their life living in fake and denial. Too afraid to see others’ happiness—but too brave to blame one’s fate as destiny malfunction. (God, bless them)
Please have mercy on them…
For they are not too far from your hell’s flame.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Before I take any serious precaution that might humiliate peoples (that someway they longing to be humiliated) so you better back off and stay out of my yard. I’m not going to say this TWICE,occay!!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
An awkward feeling overwhelming me as I looked at the stranger with a puzzled face.
He sleeps peacefully, tranquil and the heaven too seems stood still.
There was an angelical formation drawn on his face, it touches my heart so deep.
I drew myself closer to him and as if my breath and he are going to collide, I kissed him on his forehead.
A complete stranger he was once.
I cupped his face with my hands before I gave him another kiss on his left cheek, and at this time, he opened his beautiful eyes. The eyes than never tired of shining my day, the eyes that always sees beauty in me no matter how awful I may look like.
He smiled to me and it soothed me to my deepest peacefulness.
He took my hand and put them on his chest. The heaven has spoken.
“Perhaps, fate has favored us a better deal…” said him.
I swear, there was a tear in my eyes as I gave him a little nod.
It was the very first morning we woke up together, and it was the very first morning I slept peacefully in his arms.
He is now, my husband.
The man and never rejects me regardless my imperfections.
The man that never tires praising my flaws and turn it into such beauty poetry.
He never refuses to listen, he never fails to understand.
He is the only man that sees me and accepts me for what I am.
And, with him, I learned and experienced a solemn happiness, a true love, a pure one, that peoples will die in envy knowing how hopeless they are in finding one.
We have been through a lot of suffers for all this while.
We have hurt a lot, we have cried a lot, but we will never give up. Not for our love. Never.
I kissed him again~
And the moment he cuddled me into his arms, and again, the heaven has spoken to me, personally.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
(semoga cinta berada didalam lindungan dan limpah kurnia yang maha Esa)
Bukan mudah menjadi perempuan dalam hidup kamu.
Dan bukan mudah untuk saya menjadi perempuan dalam hidup kamu.
Namakan apa jua kesakitan dan kepedihan, saya sudah merasainya.
Sudah sedekad usia saya menjadi perempuan dalam hidup kamu,
Dan sedekad itu,
Mengajar saya pelbagai perasaan…
Saya tahu ketawa,
Saya tahu menangis,
Saya tahu tersentuh,
Saya tahu merajuk,
Saya tahu bahagia,
Saya tahu derita,
Saya tahu bangga,
Saya tahu terhina.
Namun yang paling berharga, saya bertuah kerana saya bisa hidup dan menyaksikan seorang lelaki berjuang perasaan dan taqdir untuk hidup bersama cinta saya. Saya sendiri merasai pengalaman dan hebatnya perasaan dikurniakan Tuhan cinta sejati.
Saya bertuah melihat kamu cinta yang hebat.
Saya melihat kamu menangis dalam ketenangan kamu.
Saya melihat Allah anugerahkan kamu sifat sabar yang ulung.
Saya melihat Allah kurniakan kamu sifat penyayang yang sangat agung.
Saya melihat Allah hiasi kamu dengan akhlak yang sentiasa buat saya bangga mejadi perempuan dalam hidup kamu…
Bila kamu mengambil keputusan untuk menikahi saya dan meninggalkan segala kesenangan dunia untuk hidup menjadi suami saya,
Di saat itu saya sudah berjanji dengan diri sendiri—LILLAHI TA’ALA…
Bahawa saya akan hidup dalam setiap nafas kamu,
Saya dukung cinta kamu kerana Allah,
Akan saya perjuangkan keranaNya juga…
Saya akan berjuang dengan setiap daya dan upaya yang saya ada…
Maruah dan cinta ini akan saya abadikan dalam darah yang mengalir dalam diri saya…
Suami isterilah kita di syurga Allah kelak…
Saturday, November 1, 2008
And the worst is some of them are already crossing the boundary.
I wander what is actually they want from me?
Hello~ I’m not a celebrity, occay.
I’m just a normal girl who works for a living, that’s all.
So pleaaaaseeee stop bugging me. Please stop scooping my life and everything about me. To be frank, you are actually having no rights to know anything about me. Please learn my words. YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS!
My wedding is just around the corner and the rumors getting worst. It’s terrible, pretty annoying too.
Well, can you see it?
I’m marrying to one of the most eligible bachelor in town and some of you can’t just get away with the fact. Poor, tiny thing. Please learn to accept fate as it is.
I don’t mean to hurt anyone, but I have to defend my rights and when peoples are trespassing my yard, I need to make my move.
HAFIZAL is rightfully mine.