Tuesday, August 25, 2009

God... I Seek Your Mercy On My Soul...

all and all, i want to change... *sigh*

another chapter another leaf, another brief salvation and yet another grief. tormented by ghosts of the past and violence memories. i wish i could erase that and start of again, fresh and bold.

i envy woman with courage and brain. woman with great look and fancy stuffs does not bother me much, but woman with great education background and thoughtful words, when she speaks or she writes, she is able to inspire others. when she walks, she disgrace the stupids with her scrutinizing yet powerful steps. oh how much i adore her. she embraces the good of knowledge like she is born just to learn and never stop. you have my envy babe, you have my envy.

and there are some whom disgust me. not only they tend to act like they owned the world but the fact that somehow or rather they does not actually possess the true meaning of being a woman. they wasted it, for the sake of fame and attention which sooner or later will eat them alive, tear apart their sense of humanity and faith as a whole. I really am disgust with their despicable lies. such a great impostor.

I've done so many uncool things. which caused me my own pride to pay.for some stupid reasons my life was once in a great downfall. the aftermath that i have to live with for the rest of my unworthy life. i never regret. never fuss a bit of it. never. But i guess Allah still loves me. Allah still have mercy on my weary soul. i was given pretty much a favor to change and to mend my pasts. i'm not and will forever never have a chance to erase my darkest sins, but Allah gives me ways to mend it. to fix it. Allah allows me to do that with my taubat nasuha. Tashakoor.

life amaze me with its different magics. sometimes we will be surprised with its game. but once we learn the rules, we could play along and never lose. the hardest thing for a human to do is, to admit their wrongs. to claim it theirs. they will never have gut to do it in the first place. and for that, again, i envy for those who can openly admit their wrongs, mend it and swear to god they will never do it again as forever.

i have a very wonderful husband. whom always sees me as an angel where the fact is i'm not. not even close to a perfect normal human. he always allows me to have my own decision and he always there to walk with me everytime my decision turn out awful. he shed my tears, he cries for me. he is the one who first feels my pain before anybody else does. when the world walk out from me, he is the one who walks in, with love and dignity. for that reasons, i owe him my life, my trust and my love.

i'm not perfect.

i'm a fatal flaw.

a perfect living example of imperfection.

and i've changed.

for better.



Allah have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Allah have mercy on me, please

Allah full of grace
In my weakness, I've lost faith
I've been careless, and I have been warned
And the devil inside me is torn
God bless the peoples that I have scorned

So don't let me fool around no more
Give me your blessing to guide me through that door
Well I've gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I'm not held in contempt
I'm so lost, and I need you to help me repent

Oh Allah have mercy on my soul
Oh I'm begging, I'm pleeding, I'm needing
I want you to know
So I'm down upon my knees
Allah I need forgiveness
I need forgiveness from you....


Unknown said...

bunga,Allah sentiasa mengampunkan hambanya...i pon b4 kawin..cube bersungguh2 taubat nasuha.terima atau tak, kita kena selalu sedar silap kita dan bersedia untuk bertaubat n berubah.yg penting keikhlasan....good for u.this is a good reminder for me too...thanks ya

saadah saadun said...

u r so sweet..
that's all i could say..
n m honest..
i love to read your entry that sounds like "i'm a woman.. amazing woman..but very down to earth"..
sumpah i rili like this entry..
n i rili couldn't gv u the answer if u ask me "why"...

Cik Puan Bunga said...

sarah : it's damn hard to do it, right? but we have to try no matter what it takes. and for this time, im gonna do it once and for all. no turning back... i wanna change, for a better one. insyaallah. support me :))

saadah : thanks... :)) im not amazing... im just a despicable art of human.. *big hug*